Don’t Feel Guilt or Shame
You Matter: just two words which changed my whole perspective on the extreme guilt I was feeling about having chronic knee pain.
With chronic pain there is such a burden of guilt of how much you are letting other people down. Not only are you battling with the life changes you are experiencing yourself but also how much your family and friends have to do for you.
I’ve lost count of the number of times my husband has said “It wasn’t like you meant for this to happen.” He’d rather I not feel guilty, but it’s hard not to.
Is it guilt or shame?
I always thought it was just guilt that I felt, until I read The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. Guilt, she says, is for something that you have done which was against your values. Shame is where you feel flawed or unworthy because of something you have experienced.
Shame, I realised, it is then too. Shame that I cannot achieve in the same way I did before in terms of triathlons and keeping fit. In terms of being an active mum who can play anything. In terms of taking part in social activities with friends before: paddleboarding, hiking, outdoor swimming.
All this added together makes you believe you are flawed because you are not good enough. And to make this worse you then feel that because you are not good enough, you are not worthy.
People experiencing chronic pain will lose interest in their appearance – you don’t deserve to look good because what’s the point? It’s a vicious circle – you feel unworthy so then your expectations lower until you feel even more down and begin caring even less…
Know your value
After several weeks of therapy, I came to an understanding: I matter. Even though I’m not the person I was before having chronic pain, I matter. There’s a lot more I bring to the table in life apart from my physical ability to do things. I’m a teacher. I’m a mum. I’m a friend. Chronic pain hasn’t decreased my value in any of these roles in my life.
If you are stuck in this cycle, what can you do? Realise your value. You aren’t flawed. You are good enough. And my goodness you are still worthy of everything you were before.
So book a spa day, buy some new clothes, and read that book you’ve not had time for (or whatever makes you feel good). You do deserve it. You matter. You just need to believe that yourself and not wait for someone else to tell you because they’ve got their stuff going on too.
Don’t wait. Time is precious. Do everything you’ve wanted. Because you do matter.
