Allow Yourself to Feel

Whether it’s frustration at someone’s driving, anger at something someone said, or disbelief at your situation, suppressing your feelings always has a negative impact. Mentally, and physically. But what if finding ways just to allow yourself to feel could lead to less chronic pain?

Anger = Pain

Studies have shown that there is a direct correlation between anger levels and physical pain. It’s ironic when it’s often the pain and your restrictions as a result which are making you frustrated. Suppression of emotions, especially anger, causes pain and increases pain intensity. But… how?

When you feel anger (and anger is an emotion not an action) your heart rate increases, your muscles tense and your blood pressure sky rockets. This in turn activates the ‘fight or flight response’ which when switched on regularly then leads to mental stress. And the more stressed you are the more the dial turns up on your physical pain.

Feel your emotions

But these feelings aren’t something you can just turn off. I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve heard things like “got to keep a brave face on, cheer up, you’ll get there in the end, I know how you feel, everybody has aches and pains, you need to think about other people…”

My response to most of the advice I was given was even more frustration, anger and disbelief. Except for one message I received: “I’m ever so sad for you.” That wasn’t the whole message and at first glance it appears to be quite negative. But in six words I felt like it said: “I believe you, this is horrible for you and it must be so hard what you are going through.”

And suddenly all that pressure of putting on a front was taken away. I felt like “yes, I’m allowed to feel bad about this!” Not to dwell, or be consistently down (which happens too) but just to feel I’m not being unreasonable rallying at the injustice of this. I felt understood.

The two children

Another anecdote which helped me is the idea that we all have two children inside: a little one and a big one. When the little child gets upset, the big child gets angry in their defence. So when someone is angry it usually stems from hurt, insecurity or fear which is hidden beneath. Think about when you are angry, what is really going on inside? How can you address this and reassure the ‘little child’?

For example, think about how angry you might feel with a friend if you were left out of something. What this actually shows is that inside you feel vulnerable, questioning what is wrong with you, are you not (good) enough to be included, or this reminds you of other times of being left out. The little child is scared about their sense of inferiority, so the big child lashes out in anger.

Heal your anger

For me it was therapy that helped with these feelings of low self-esteem leading to anger. But as well as talking about your specific situation, you could also try meditation, breathing exercises, physical exercise (anything you are able to do), and identifying triggers and how you respond to them.

Often, people try to numb their feelings with food, alcohol or social media, to be distracted or to get a hit of dopamine. Instead, try to feel the feeling, acknowledge it is there and realise it’s just that: a feeling. It doesn’t need to be solved or got rid of, and you are completely justified in feeling it.

Allowing yourself to feel without judging yourself means less stress, and that means less pain.